To quote a line in a Dennis Lloyd song, “Relationships are the single most important thing to you in your life.” They truly are the sources of our best and worst memories, they make daily life either a toil or exhilarating, they make a job loathsome or enjoyable, and they literally form the fabric of our daily lives.
I am not just talking about romantic relationships, I am talking about ALL relationships – those with your family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, coworkers, strangers and your greater community. We live in a world that is connected technologically but that undervalues personal connection. Our family upbringing often doesn’t give us the tools we need to relate well with others, and instead provides us with our “story” that can make relating to others complicated at best, painful and triggering at worst. So how do we improve the quality of our relationships?
No, there isn’t a magic one-size fits all, but there are some simple things that can serve as solid building blocks.
- Owning your story
- Learning how to listen
- Learning how to ask for what you need
- Striving to connect – vulnerability and personal connection
- Accountability mirror
Owning Your Story:
Our relationships often act as mirrors, reflecting back to us both our strengths and our unhealed wounds. “Owning your story” means acknowledging the experiences that shaped you, not to stay stuck in them, but to understand how they influence your reactions, expectations, and communication.
When we avoid or deny our story, we risk projecting old patterns onto others, expecting partners, friends, or colleagues to meet unspoken needs or heal old pain. But when we take responsibility for our own narrative, we can start to see others more clearly, without filtering everything through our past. Self-awareness here is self-care. It allows you to pause before reacting, to see what part of your response is about the current moment and what part belongs to an old story. When you know your triggers, your needs, and your emotional landscape, you can engage with others from a grounded place rather than a defensive one.
Learning How to Listen:
Listening, really listening, is one of the deepest gifts we can offer another person. It’s the moment when we put aside our own need to be right or to fix, and simply hold space for someone else’s truth. Yet most of us listen only on the surface, to words, stories, and defenses, rather than to what’s underneath them.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) provides one of my favouite foundational frameworks for listening. It offers compassionate listening and involves tuning into two things: feelings and needs.
- Listening for Feelings: What emotions are being expressed (or hidden) beneath the words? Anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, relief? Feelings are signals that tell us what matters most in that moment.
- Listening for Needs: What universal human need is driving those feelings? Maybe it’s a need for respect, safety, love, understanding, rest, or autonomy. Every reaction is an attempt to meet a need, even if the strategy used isn’t skillful.
When you listen through this lens, you begin to hear not just what someone says, but what their heart is trying to express.
Let’s look at an example. Your partner says, “You’re always on your phone. You never pay attention to me anymore.” Instead of defending yourself (“That’s not true!”) or counterattacking, you pause and listen for the feelings and needs underneath. You might say: “It sounds like you’re feeling lonely and maybe a bit disconnected. Are you needing more quality time together?” This simple reflection shifts the dynamic entirely. The other person feels heard, rather than argued with. The conversation moves from blame to understanding, from tension to connection.
Learning to listen in this way takes practice, but it transforms communication. When we listen for feelings and needs, we’re not trying to fix the problem; rather we’re offering empathy, which builds connection, and that alone often is the healing.
How to Ask for What you Need
This is one of the hardest, and yet most liberating, skills to learn. Many of us were never taught how to express needs directly, so we hint, withdraw, covertly expect, or over-explain instead. But asking clearly and compassionately is a service to both parties.
To keep on the theme of non-violent communication, we look at this as a 4 step process, that expands on the first two we discussed above (feelings and needs). The four step process is as follows:
- Observation: Describe what you see or hear without judgment or interpretation.
Example: Instead of saying “You’re always late,” you might say, “You arrived 15 minutes after our planned start time.” - Feelings: Identify how you feel in response to what you observed.
Example: “I feel frustrated and anxious when meetings start late.” - Needs: Connect your feelings to your underlying needs or values.
Example: “I need reliability and a sense of shared commitment.” - Requests: Make a clear, actionable request that could help meet your need.
Example: “Would you be willing to text me if you think you’ll be more than 5 minutes late next time?”
The beauty of this approach is that it removes guilt and blame while increasing the chance of being heard. You’re not demanding or criticizing; you’re inviting connection by being honest about your needs. Asking for what you want is a profound act of self-care because it honors your boundaries and helps others know how to support you better.
Strive to Connect:
In a world connected by phones and computers, strive to connect personally, face-to-face, with others on a regular basis. Connection thrives where vulnerability lives. It’s easy to stay on the surface with people, keeping conversations safe and predictable, but real connection requires openness by sharing the parts of ourselves that are tender, uncertain, or unpolished.
Vulnerability isn’t oversharing or being emotionally unfiltered. It’s choosing to let yourself be seen, to say, “This matters to me,” or “I don’t know what I’m doing,” or “I need support.” When we risk showing up that way, we invite others to do the same, and relationships deepen into something that feels real and nourishing.
Self-care in this context means allowing yourself to be human in relationships, ie not performing, not perfecting, but participating. It’s realizing that connection is less about being liked and more about being known.
The Accountability Mirror:
Finally, healthy relationships require accountability, both with others and with yourself. This is a concept I first heard during an interview with the famous Navy Seal, David Goggins. The “accountability mirror” is a practice wherein you check in honestly with yourself (ideally looking at yourself in a mirror): How did I do today? What white lies did I tell? What ammends can I make? How did I show up for myself and others today?
It’s easy to focus on what others are doing wrong, but self-growth happens when we turn our gaze inward, at the role we play in all relationships while striving to hold ourselves accountable for it. Accountability isn’t about shame or self-blame, it’s about ownership. It means apologizing when needed, making amends, and committing to do better next time.
This practice keeps relationships alive and evolving, and it helps us move from victim to victor in our own lives. It builds trust, the foundation of any meaningful connection, and reinforces that self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and boundaries. It’s also about courage, humility, and repair.
Reflection and Homework Time:
Relationships are living things. They grow when we tend to them and wither when we don’t. Just like self-care, connection requires attention, presence, and small, consistent effort. As you reflect on your relationships, take a few quiet moments to check in with yourself:
- Highlight the areas that need the most work. Is it with family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers? Where do you feel the most disconnected, tense, or avoidant?
- Make a plan. Choose one simple, tangible action this week to strengthen connection: plan a family date night, call a friend (yes, actually on the phone), or take one lunch break each week to share with someone – a colleague, a friend, or even a stranger who could use company.
- Practice a healthy argument. The next time conflict arises, experiment with your Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills: observe without judgment, express how you feel, identify your needs, and make a clear request. Notice how it shifts the energy between you and the other person.
- Check your accountability mirror. Each night, or even as you brush your teeth, look yourself in the eye. Reflect honestly on how you showed up in your relationships today. Do not beat yourself up; instead, notice, learn, and make a plan for how you want to show up tomorrow.
Healthy relationships aren’t built in grand gestures, they’re built in moments and are shaped by how we show up everyday. When you care for your connections, you care for your own heart, and that, truly, is the deepest form of self-care.
👉If you enjoyed this article please check out the other articles in this Self-Care Practices for Mental Wellness series.
